June 2012
2 posts
4 tags
May 2012
13 posts
4 tags
Ask box thing. →
Anonymous asked: you are a fantastic human being.
Zooey Deschanel did adorkable; I’m doing...
Anonymous asked: Are you bitter?
Anonymous asked: Did you get 113,038 twitter followers based solely on your cleverness and wit? Or did everyone just think you were a parody of Ariel...
I'm sorry for neglecting you all.
update/ response to a lot of emails I’ve gotten:
Since I started my twitter, I’ve gotten a lot of requests for Hipster Mermaid shirts.
They’re being designed right now and are looking rad.
Stay tuned for more.
April 2012
14 posts
hiredgoons asked: favorite semi-precious and/or gemstone?
Anonymous asked: Are you a Ginger?
Anonymous asked: im pregnant. what should my first alcoholic beverage be after i pop this baby out?
Oh, you know, just a fun night at home, lamenting the disintegration of an intellectual bourgeoise class and watching reality tv.
Anonymous asked: Why are you an idiot?
March 2012
3 posts
lostb4 asked: do you have a youtube channel?
White Moms Today: A Play in One Act
White Mom One: Pinterest.
White Mom Two: Pinterest?
White Mom One: Pinterest!
White Mom Two: Pinterest!
White Mom One: Pinterest, Pinterest...
White Mom Two: Pin, Pin. Pinterest.
White Mom One: Pin, Pinterest Pin Pin. Pin, Pinterest.
White Mom Two: Pinterest...
White Mom Two: Pinterest...
February 2012
4 posts
Girl Scout cookies are the gateway drug to funnel...
3 tags
Snooki's Potential Baby Names:
Rumor has it that Snooki has a bun in the oven. Here’s a short list of potential baby names for the next star of Jersey Shore.
If it’s a boy:
Chunk
Ed
Hardy
Pickles
Brian
Axe®
Nugget
If it’s a girl:
Nuggette
Jewel
Grimlette
Fistina
Mercedes
Yaris
Pink ( after the singer )
Orange ( after her mom )
Mistyque
Mistayque
Emma Stone looks absolutely stunning in Lindsay...
A Valentine’s Day Poem for Someone on Her Period: ...
“Roses are red
we know this is true
so is the tampon
that’s stuck inside you.”
January 2012
1 post
My grandma is in a hospice and has stopped eating....
My Favorite New Year's Eve Drinks
Gin and Tonic
Vodka Tonic
Whiskey Sour
Whiskey and Soda
Whiskey and NyQuil
Vodka and NyQuil
Gin and NyQuil
Tequila and NyQuil
Box Wine and NyQuil
NyQuil and NyQuil
Greys Anatomy Marathon and NyQuil
Reorganizing your iTunes and NyQuil
Facebook-stalking an ex and NyQuil
Crying and NyQuil
NyQuil Overdose and NyQuil
Ambulance Ride and NyQuil
Stomach Pumping and NyQuil
Hospital...
December 2011
6 posts
Sad Christmas Songs
Silent Night (Because of a Carbon Monoxide Leak)
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus (and Now I Spend Half My Paycheck on Therapy)
Frosty the Snowman (Died Because of Global Warming)
Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer (Was Used)
Sleigh Ride (off a Cliff)
Hark The Herald Angels Sing (That New Justin Bieber Song)
Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree (Because of the Seizures)
What Child Is This?...
I used Instagram to take this picture of the... →
Hopefully it finds a home.
Sounds of the Season: A Realistic Christmas Album
With such Holiday favorites as:
1. “Forced Compliments and Feigned Interest Towards People You Don’t Know”
2. “The Click of a Porch Light Preventing Strangers from Singing on Your Property”
3. “Dad Yelling at the GPS on the Way to Grandma’s”
4. “Your Newly Vegan Cousin Scoffing at the Appetizers”
5. “Muffled Crying in the...
Anonymous asked: Your twitter is one of the best things on the internet. After porn.
"We found love in a hopeless plaaaaaaaace."
Five guesses as to where Rihanna’s hopeless place was:
5. A Walmart in the South.
4. A Chick Fil A on a Sunday.
3. A screening of Adam Sandler’s ‘Jack and Jill’.
2. Detroit.
1. A rented silver Lamborghini.
November 2011
10 posts
1 tag
I love (when people spill) hot gingerbread lattes...
Love Clichés: Updated for Modern Times
Here’s a 21st century list of sweet nothings to whisper to your loved one.
“I love you like a fat kid loves youth-onset diabetes.”
“Love is patient, love is kind. Answer my texts in less than a minute or I will cut you.”
“My never-ending love for you will last at least 73 days.”
“Roses are red, violets are blue, our Facebook relationship is a...
Anonymous asked: What were you like as a kid?
communicate your questions here: →
1 tag
A muffin-top is not a type of shirt, so don't tell...
A muffin-top is not a type of shirt, so don’t tell a girl that she looks good in one.